Last year I thought of something I could say to my wife that is so terrible, that plays so brilliantly on her insecurities and fears that uttering it would certainly end our marriage. I thought of it on a Tuesday evening sometime in June. We had just had a long argument about my refusal to get my act together and DVR Project Runway like I said I would, an argument that ended when my wife suggested that if I got a job and let her sit at home all day, she wouldn’t have to ask me to do these things. Unable to think of a decent comeback fast enough, I had to resort to a feeble ‘well maybe I will’ and slinked off to surf the internet and daydream all the witty things I could have said. I was reading comments on the new season of Heroes (how that might have inspired the retort, I’ve no idea) and that’s when I thought of it. It’s an insult that could only come from knowing and loving a person for many years. It’s rude but not obscene, its power comes from the intimate details that underpin it. But the real beauty of it is that I could use it at any time - whether we were fighting over who should have bought more granola or disagreeing on how Obama should handle the economy - whatever the case, it fits right in there. ‘Oh really?’, I could say, ‘Really?’ ... and BAM! - I’d slip it in. It didn’t take long before I realized I had a problem. Although I had in my possession the ultimate comeback, a retort so magnificent I could win any argument with my wife I wanted, I could only use it once and, having used it, I would have to accept its effect on our marriage. The wound would be mortal. And even if I never really wanted to use the comeback - I love my wife - how could I trust myself with it? We had only been married three years but already a number of quarrels had pushed me, temporarily, to the point of insanity and I was sure we hadn’t even scratched the surface of all the things we could argue about. All it would take would be a single unthinking moment in the heat of debate. One day I might forget to take the recycling out ... and that would be the end of it. So I live in fear of my terrible retort. Whenever it looks like we might have a disagreement, however small, I think of it and it’s all I can do to stop it from being unleashed. I work on training myself never to argue with my wife. If she finds something wrong, I tread very lightly and restrict myself to a sincere ‘I’m sorry’. Our friends all note how amenable I’ve become, how willing to compromise. It’s the foundation of a successful marriage.