'You're dissing me because I'm a woman. Because I'm white.'

     'Oh, fuck off with your discrimination,' Judy was mad now. 'I'm a woman. And white.'

     'Well, you might fix yourself up a bit, honey. You look like a dog, even for a lesbo. I mean, I'm just saying, sister.'

     Judy folded her arms. 'Haven't we got off on the wrong foot here?' She hadn't met a snow person before; didn't realise how touchy they were. 'I mean you're just bloody snow, aren't you? You're not going to be around for long! Can't we be honest about that? You're just fucking snow.'

     'You fascist cow! Ok, so I got a life-limited condition. But you can't discriminate because of that, bitch. I mean, my life still has value, you know.'

     There was a moment of silence while Judy pondered this. 'Yeah. I know,' she said at length. 'I'm sorry. Let's not argue. We've probably got more in common than we think.'

     'I doubt it, sister.'

     The temperature was climbing now and a stiff huddle of leylandii that were snow-capped earlier in the day were now limp and dripping.

     'Anyways, guess you see my predicament, eh?' There was a thaw in the snow-woman's voice, and the rubber band mouth stretched and creaked.

     Judy looked at the two lumps of coal in the snow-woman's head. They were working loose. 'Is there anything I can do?'

     'Yeah, sure you can. You can try justifying this carrot nose, for a start. I mean, is that the best you could do, a goddam carrot. Jeez, look, it ain't even straight.'

     Judy shrugged. 'Sorry about that, but, well, a carrot was all I had and they are kinda traditional, plenty other snow people got carrot noses. Look at the mouldy old carrot on the one next door; crooked as hell.'

     'Ssh. Keep your voice down. Jeez ain't you got no respect.' The snow woman lowered her voice and there was a flurry of anger. 'That snow dude is one piece of ass, sister, not that you'd appreciate that. He's goddam awesome, and that carrot ain't his fault.'

     Judy studied the hacked-out block of snow next door. He was no looker, that's for sure.

     Then there was a soft pitter-patter and the snow-woman groaned. 'Oh crap; there it goes,' and Judy watched helplessly as one of the lumps of coal dislodged and rolled out of the snow-woman's head; the eye socket too mushy to hold it.

     'You OK? I'll come down, get some ice-cubes.' Judy leaned out further.

     'No! Stay where you are sister. Don't want your body heat anywhere near me right now. I got plans, see. I got plans to make mad, passionate love to that piece of ass over there. Gonna go at it like there ain't no tomorrow – and that's because for poor saps like us, there ain't no tomorrow. Now get outta here; girl needs her privacy.'

     Judy looked at the snowman next door and grinned. 'He's got one humongous ice pop for you, anyway.'

     'Oh, yeah, I thought you had your eye on that.' There was a contemptuous slushiness in her voice now. 'You keep your hot little hands off, you hear.'

     Judy looked at the prodigious penis carved out of snow by the kid next door, erect and straight as a fishing pole, a perfectly round snowball placed either side.

     'Lesbos don't go much on dicks. That boner is all yours sister,' Judy told her and laughed. 'I can throw you down some KY jelly. You know, things might get a little tight if you freeze up again.'

     'Very funny, bitch,' but the snow-woman laughed, too, until the other lump of coal slid down her cheek and Judy turned away. The snow-lovers didn't have much time.

     Judy closed the curtains and went back to bed and lay watching the north star wink at her until dawn, screams and groans starting up in the garden, then growing slushier and slushier.

     In the morning the snow-woman was gone, and so was the snowman from next door. There were only four lumps of coal, two carrots and two rubber bands. But there was a voice, a faint trickle, skimming the puddles, and Judy shut her eyes to hear better.

     'Hey, bitch, you missed a great night,' it said. 'That bad boy from next door couldn't get enough of me, kept it up until I was totally impacted. Helluva guy!'

     'Hey, bitch,' the voice was bubbling up now as it was pushed along in the snow melt, 'save me that KY jelly, huh? I'm coming back for that bad boy next Christmas. Yeah, I'm sure coming back.'

     'I'll see what I can do,' laughed Judy, but suddenly felt sad.

     But the voice was still there. 'Oh, and lesbo,' it said. 'I want a smaller nose next year, so you better sort me a decent carrot. And make me slimmer, much bigger tits.'

     'Now who's being sexist?'

     'Oh, fuck off with your discrimination shit,' gurgled the voice. 'Happy Christmas, bitch!'