Maggot And Misogyny
The jarwal stared at her malevolently, saliva dripping from its gaping jaws, making its fearsome teeth glisten in the harsh winter sunlight.
What's a jarwal?
I don't know. I haven't though about it. Something fierce and nasty. A huge maggot-like beastie with a ferocious temper and huge teeth. A bit like in Alien, only more like a maggot.
It's a bit science fiction isn't it? You don't even like science fiction.
I know. I'm just trying to convey an atmosphere of terror and anger in the light of recent events. I suppose the jarwal is a representation of my anger.
Well try another approach. Don't make up words or fierce animals. No jarwals. Be direct.
He was angry.
That's good. You can't get more direct than that.
...
What? Why are we waiting?
What was he angry about?
I don't know. You're writing the story. Make something up. Draw on your own experiences.
He was angry. He hated her. And not just her. He hated everybody. He wanted to go to the cupboard in the hall, get the axe he kept there, walk out into the street and inflict bloody, messy carnage on anybody he found passing by.
You are angry, aren't you? I can't help feeling though, that if you're going to make this an interesting story, you're going to have to try to focus your anger just a tad more.
The jarwal bit her head off at the neck and he watched with grim satisfaction as her corpse fell to the floor juddering and spurting blood in a crimson fountain.
Forget the jarwal. No-one knows what a jarwal is. Anyway, this is way too bloody and violent. It's distasteful and you'll repel most of your readers before you've even started. Besides, how are you going to top that opening? Your story will need to end with a climax. How are you going to top a beheading and a juddering corpse spurting blood in a crimson fountain? Start small and work your way up to the big stuff, that's my advice. And keep it real. Draw on your experiences, on what you see around you.
It was nine o'clock in the evening.
I know I said small, but not quite that small. Small but interesting. You've only got small there. Still, it can be quite rewarding to draw on your immediate circumstances. Work it up. It is nine o'clock. Tell us a bit more.
It was nine o'clock on a crisp and chill winter evening.
That's better, but you still need a bit more detail. You've got to get your reader or listener hooked from the word go.
The phrase 'the word go' had always appalled him.
I didn't mean literally the word 'go'.
I know. I was just messing about. I'm finding this very difficult.
Get on with it. Apply yourself. We need a small but interesting beginning. We need focused anger, we need detail. You were on the right lines with that nine o'clock on a crisp and chill winter evening business. You just need to work it up a bit, that's all.
It was nine o'clock on a crisp and chill winter evening, the sort of evening when the natural instinct is to nestle by the fire, the sort of evening that's so cold that those poor souls who are out in it are loth to breathe in for fear of the damage the air will do to their lungs.
Good image. A bit Victorian, perhaps. Too many words, but a good image. Try and cut it down a bit.
It was cold - the sort of cold that hurts when you breathe in, that you feel in your lungs and makes the skin of your face what?
What?
What does it make your face?
I don't know. It's your story.
But it was your idea for me to write it. You're so angry, you said. Why not try and write a story, you said. Use those feelings creatively, you said. You've got a real way with words, you said. I'll help, you said.
OK. Sting and smart like it's been slapped.
What?
Makes the skin of your face tingle and smart like it's been slapped.
That's good. That's very good. We've got bitter cold, which I like, and we've got a suggestion of violence, which I like a lot. Very indicative of my mood. Maybe we need some sharp teeth and a giant maggot.
No, we don't. In any case I'm not so sure now.
Why? I thought it was going quite well.
It's not bad, but there are no people in it.
We've only had the one sentence. We can put a person or two in the next one.
OK. Give it a go.
It was cold - the sort of cold that hurts when you breathe in, that you feel in your lungs and makes the skin of your face tingle and smart like it's just been slapped. Next sentence: She was very cold.
That won't do at all, will it? We know it's cold. You've told us that already. We need to be moving forward. Tell us something else. Make something up.
There was a maggot in her ear.
A giant maggot?
No, just a maggot. Ordinary, household variety. In her ear.
Actually, I rather like that. I like that a lot. I like that much more than I liked all that cold stuff.
I thought you liked all that cold stuff?
I did. I'm just saying that I like this maggot thing even more. It's really strong. It's a great image. I think you should forget all about the cold stuff for a while and concentrate on the maggot. What happened next?
It crawled around a bit.
That's a bit of a disappointment, if you don't mind me saying so. 'There was a maggot in her ear' was such a strong first line, but you ruin it completely by saying 'it crawled around a bit'. You need to amplify your first image, or explain it. Why was there a maggot in her ear?
I don't know.
Don't try to think about it. Don't try to work it out. Feel the answer.
Because she left me.
Yes, I know she did. In real life. But you'll still need to explain why the maggot is there in the story. 'There was a maggot in her ear. It was there because she left me' just doesn't work. Or does it? Maybe it does. It's different. Startling. Perhaps even intriguing. Let's go with it for a little while. If it's not working we can come back later and take it out. Continue.
There was a maggot in her ear. It was there because she left me. It had been there for two weeks.
You know, I really like this. It's slightly distasteful, but you're building up a great image. Already I want to know why the maggot is there, what it's doing, and I want to know about her. Gillian, I presume. What did she think about the maggot in her ear?
She didn't mind. In full. There was a maggot in her ear. It was there because she left me. It had been there for two weeks but she didn't mind. I don't know.
What now?
Well, it's a bit misogynistic, isn't it?
How do you mean?
Well, the reason she didn't mind the maggot is because she's dead. That's the only reason someone wouldn't mind a maggot in her ear. In fact, now that I think about it, it's probably the only reason there would be a maggot in someone's ear in the first place.
Maybe you're right.
So I can't use it, can I? I can't be misogynistic.
Why not?
Because it's misogynistic.
Is it misogynistic because you've got a dead woman in it?
Yes, I suppose so.
What if it isn't?
Eh?
What if it isn't misogynistic, just because you've got a dead woman at the beginning. What if you're just stating a matter of fact, like saying it was cold. What if you're just reporting events?
You mean, what if I think of it as morally neutral?
Precisely.
Won't work.
Oh? Why not?
Because she'll think it's misogynistic and I won't be able to get her back.
Do you want her back?
Yes.
Even though you're so angry with her?
Yes.
You chump.
I know.
She's a cow. She left you standing at the airport the day you were supposed to be flying off to Corfu for a romantic holiday. She took all your stuff, she left you stranded with the plane tickets hoping that you'd get on the plane anyway and go on your own so that she'd be able to use your flat for shagging this Graham character in the meantime, and you would have gone had you not accidentally met me at the departure desk. And you want her back?
Yes.
Double chump. She's bad news. If she's thinking about you at all she's probably laughing her socks off because she still thinks you're in Corfu. Forget about her. Write your story. Get it out of your system.
There was a maggot in her ear. It
What now?
It's not working. I can't do it. I love her.
Write about that then.
He loved her. Even though she was the cruellest, meanest, vilest person he'd ever known. Even though she'd betrayed him, humiliated him, even though he wanted her dead. He loved her.
And that's not misogynistic?
It's true though.
But what's the difference between this and the maggot? Take it from me, the maggot's better. Go with the maggot.
I'll try.
Good.
There was a maggot in her ear. It was there because she left him. It had been there for two weeks but she didn't mind. She was certainly not complaining. I think this is better.
Why?
Because I changed the me to a him. There's a bit of distance now. It's not me doing the violence.
See? It's just a question of sticking with it once you're on to a good idea.
It was a question of distance.
Yes, you said.
No, this is the story.
Oh, I see.
There was a maggot in her ear. It was there because she left him. It had been there for two weeks but she didn't mind. She was certainly not complaining. It was a question of distance - the distance between her head and her heart. It had always been too big, but now it was more than three miles. The one was on a shelf in his bedroom, and the other under a metric tonne of coal in her mother's cellar. He'd always hated her mother.
I can see why you were worried about this being misogynistic.
I think I might be able to tell this story without condoning violence towards women.
No-one in their right mind would condone violence towards women.
Absolutely.
It's a bit risky though. You're going to have to make sure that the thrust of this story isn't saying 'if she leaves you, put her in her place'.
Or, as in this case, places.
Well, quite.
I see what you mean. It's difficult. Maybe the problem is the maggot.
The maggot in her ear?
Yes. The maggot in her ear is connoting violence from, as you would say, the word go.
Maybe you should change direction and make it plain that there's no violence involved right from the word start.
Good idea. Shall we get rid of the maggot?
No, the maggot's good. Keep the maggot for now.
OK. How to make plain she's not dead? I know ... The maggot in her ear itched like torture but she couldn't scratch it because
Because what?
I'm not sure. Because she had her hands tied behind her back, I suppose.
Hmm.
It's not working, is it? If anything, this is worse than the head in the coal cellar.
You're right. It's the maggot that's the problem. It's a good image, but it implies violence. Forget the maggot.
Hang on a minute. I've had an idea.
What?
There was a maggot in his ear. She'd put it there when she'd left him.
That does seem somehow more acceptable, doesn't it?
Yes. I guess the answer is to turn one's rage against oneself.
Do yourself damage, you mean? A way of coping with your feelings of rejection and humiliation and inadequacy, your utter insignificance?
I might not have put it quite like that, but yes. It's an intriguing thought, isn't it? I didn't feel at all comfortable expressing hostility towards her, even after everything she's done to me, but I feel quite comfortable expressing hostility towards myself. Maybe that's because deep down I'm a really nice guy. Or maybe it's a reflection of the way I really feel. More angry with me than with her. For being a chump.
You may be right. You are a chump. You're a nice guy too, and it's OK to feel angry with yourself. Let that hostility out.
The jarwal in his head was screaming to get out. He wanted it to bust out the front of his face, eat his whole body, rend him limb from limb and toss the severed remains of his body to the four winds of that bleak and barren place.
And you feel quite comfortable with this?
Yes, I suppose so.
You don't think you might be taking the self-hatred thing just a little too far?
I don't know. Am I?
We'll I'm beginning to get a little concerned about it, I must admit. I think you need to calm down a little.
Maybe you're right. It's just that I'm so angry. I want to feel hurt. I deserve it. I'm a chump.
Yes, you are, but the answer is not imagining giant maggots bursting out the front of your face. It's disgusting, and it's not altogether healthy. People will think you're crazy. I think the answer is for you to feel some real pain.
Are you going to hit me again?
No. I'm suggesting a mixture of pleasure and pain. I think we should both do ourselves some real damage. I'll keep you company.
You mean ...?
Precisely.
They were going to the pub. They felt like getting completely bladdered.
That's more like it.
They were going to get obliterated.
Wrecked.
This story telling business was too difficult. He was too angry.
Maybe he would feel calmer in the cold light of morning, especially if he woke up with a headache and nausea?
Maybe he would feel better if he felt worse in the morning. It was entirely possible. Right now, though, he needed a sedative and he needed it bad. He knew just the place to get it.
The Bow Bar?
If they met the jarwal on the way there, he would kick it in the nuts.
No he wouldn't. Forget the bloody jarwal. He was angry, but he was trying to calm down. He needed to stay calm to write his story. Violence wouldn't help. Besides, the jarwal was probably female.
His friend was right. If he met the jarwal tonight, he would ignore it.
Precisely. Well done.
He thanked his friend and said Come on then, let's go. He got his coat. They were going to get smashed. It was cold out but it was going to be good night, he could feel it in his bones. They had demons to exorcise and a broken heart to mend. They had a jarwal to ignore.
They had a what?
Nothing.
Exactly. You can get the first round.
Comments
If they met the jarwal on the way there, he would kick it..
If they met the jarwal on the way there, he would kick it in the nuts... Ha! I really liked this, Iain. You brought a grin to my face early in the morning, and thats not an easy thing to do. Refreshing, funny writing. More, please. Cheers - John Ravenscroft
I found it more frustrating than funny. But then I always..
I found it more frustrating than funny. But then I always find writers writing about a writer slightly egotistical and, in a way, like cheating. It also doesnt make a good story - just as I got interested in one of his ideas he dropped it and changed direction, so there was no feeling of progress. The underlying story about the woman leaving him at the airport is far more interesting and its a shame you didnt explore it more fully.
That was bloody funny. A skilful mix of black comedy and..
That was bloody funny. A skilful mix of black comedy and emotional pain - I was a tiny bit disappointed with the lets go to the pub ending, but I guess that counts as suitable bathos after the maggots and dismemberment. I especially loved the distance between head and heart - well now it was three miles joke. Great stuff.
more anti-self than anti-female, really....very,very funny..
more anti-self than anti-female, really....very,very funny & very,very sad at the same time - coz everyone has gotten dumped at some stage and been a chump sometime-male or female. chivy76
I found nothing particularly interesting
I found nothing particularly interesting
The story goes round and round for too long, with no real..
The story goes round and round for too long, with no real helpful resolution.
I loved this! It was totally genius. I think everyone can..
I loved this! It was totally genius. I think everyone can identify with some part of this story, and it was really interesting and I thought it was extremely well written. Nice Job!!!! =)
Absolutely hilarious! Brilliant stuff! Loved the language,..
Absolutely hilarious! Brilliant stuff! Loved the language, the maggot and the jarwal. More please! 134
I see this is either a love-it-or-hate-it kind of story...
I see this is either a love-it-or-hate-it kind of story. Well, I loved it... good job.. it seems like(as some have said) an easy plot and whatnot, but its so much different than others! and it makes it more interesting to read... I wanted to one-try and figure out who the second voice was,and two, what was going to happen next with the story. nice little jokes in it too.
Brilliant!! I was not quite sure what on earth was going on..
Brilliant!! I was not quite sure what on earth was going on to start with, but it was hilarious and really made me laugh. My kind of humor I suppose.
ive got a fetish for stories about writing stories, or..
ive got a fetish for stories about writing stories, or movies about making movies: oh the irony of it. this story sure hits the spot, it just got better and better. im enjoy the fact that the writer can get the thoughts so effectively down in writing. - andrew peleikis
I really enjoyed this story! In parts it made me wish you..
I really enjoyed this story! In parts it made me wish you would write one just about the dead woman and the circumstances in which she died. The reference to her head being in her mothers cellar and her heart on his shelf put me in mind of the film Seven, with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman, which was also an excellent story. It also had the power to make me laugh despite the wonderfully dark images. Excellent! Terri, 20, England
Dear Iain, Speaking as a female and as Jarwal -- a..
Dear Iain, Speaking as a female and as Jarwal -- a female Jarwal, as it were: I rather liked it... Though it did leave me wanting more... a little hungry for something... perhaps. Lean a little closer and Ill tell you what it is... I want to whisper it in your ear! *L* The story was brilliantly written, and I loved it. Thank you. P.J. Veber [USA]
Couldnt stop reading. It sucked me in, and I felt like I..
Couldnt stop reading. It sucked me in, and I felt like I was in the room with these two friends. I actually felt sorry for the guy for what the girl did to him. The conversation makes it come to life. Brandi L. Williams, New Orleans, LA
Refreshingly humorous and so true to life. Weve all been..
Refreshingly humorous and so true to life. Weve all been there, havent we? Well done on ignoring the jarwal, I wouldve kicked it in the nuts... Jo, Oxfordshire, England
Ambiguous. Too little emotional attachment to the..
Ambiguous. Too little emotional attachment to the character(s). Jarwal? Please.
Hrm. Well it just didnt GO anywhere. Kind of bored me..
Hrm. Well it just didnt GO anywhere. Kind of bored me because it was so stagnant. More like a stream of thought and not a story. Perhaps if you try writing more of the underlying story that might help. But more than likely probably not. All in all, Id have to say that its not good. Throw it out.
Stream-of-consciousness gone mad! This is like the middle..
Stream-of-consciousness gone mad! This is like the middle section of a story, where the author has not bothered to create a beginning or end. Sorry, but I need a plot?
Our prof. in Creative Writing class said not to write about..
Our prof. in Creative Writing class said not to write about an author who is struggleing with writing a story. But I really enjoyed reading this peice. I am stuck and dont know what to write about for my next assignment. It was interesting to "hear" the thoughts of a writer (although fictionalized) as he struggled to write. But I still dont have an idea
I thought this was a brilliant piece of writing that got me..
I thought this was a brilliant piece of writing that got me in trouble. (reading it at work and laughed at my computer screen-too obvious I wasnt working!) Very fresh, sharp, clever humour using a device Ive not seen used with much success before. Very cleverly depicted a pleasing (i have no idea about accurate) male to male problem solving attempt with a most gratifying end. I hope that Iain keeps posting to this site. In response to those who thought it was nonsensible and lacked a plot-not all literature needs to be forward progressing linear type structure. What a bore if it was. Thank god for Iain and his little left field of dreams!
What a brilliant story, from the word go i was hooked. It..
What a brilliant story, from the word go i was hooked. It captured what its like to have writers block and a broken heart. AMAZING!!
Loved this, made me laugh a lot. Cheers mate. Jen.
Loved this, made me laugh a lot. Cheers mate. Jen.
Found the dialogue only format frustrating. For me, the..
Found the dialogue only format frustrating. For me, the humour wasnt enough to counterbalance that.
I loved this piece. It managed to amuse, provide an apt..
I loved this piece. It managed to amuse, provide an apt parody not only of various types of writing but also of the kind of advice given in creative writing classes, and, almost incidentally, set up a rather attractive rapport between two characters. It also created by far the most convincing literary maggot since the metaphysicals.
A Classic Smith and Jones meets Hale and Pace. I was..
A Classic Smith and Jones meets Hale and Pace. I was reading this on the toilet, while sneaking a crafty 5 minute break and I was in Stiches, everyone has a friend who has great ideas but cannot follw them through. Keep up the good work.
I really enjoyed the story. I found it funny and well..
I really enjoyed the story. I found it funny and well weitten. A good humorous look into the writing process.
Loved the story. Liked d two voices. At times it sounded..
Loved the story. Liked d two voices. At times it sounded more like an internal voice than external. Sometimes a psychiatrist. Nice format. The way one writes and rewrites, listening to the critic within, the moral conscience within.
I laughed out loud. Very clever.
I laughed out loud. Very clever.
i love this story! its helerious, and really shows emotion,..
i love this story! its helerious, and really shows emotion, great ending too
very interesting, expecially the structure! it gives a..
very interesting, expecially the structure! it gives a fresh look at the "writers block" theme
Just stumbled onto this site and this is the first story I..
Just stumbled onto this site and this is the first story I read. I have to say you had me in stitches. After reading the various comments on this story on this page, I have to ask you to ignore the jarwals and take the compliments instead... a hilarious, genius piece of work. I think what I really like about it is the simplicity. And the humour of course. Also liked the way it progressed into a real life story, and you dont really realise who the characters are until near the very end. At one point however I was losing interest, but all flaws are forgiven when its a great piece of writing. Keepem coming, and Ill keep coming (to this site that is). DJ - Toronto, Canada.
This was my first foray onto this site, and the first story..
This was my first foray onto this site, and the first story I read. I picked it out of the blue because the title was irresistable - titles are SO important. I thought this story was original and hilarious. I love humour in a short story and Iain Grant certainly knows how to deliver this in spade. I was smiling most of the way through "Maggots and Misogyny", but some lines (like "Maybe we need some sharp teeth and a giant maggot.") actually got me laughing out loud. Thanks for an interesting read. Ill definitely be checking this site further. Catherine (from Canada)
Really good story that engages you totallly. It was just..
Really good story that engages you totallly. It was just really good. Keep up the good work
sweet, unpretentious and true
sweet, unpretentious and true
I have only one thing to say: THIS WAS FREAKIN GREAT!
I have only one thing to say: THIS WAS FREAKIN GREAT!
This is the first short story I read when I came upon this..
This is the first short story I read when I came upon this site. IT WAS AMAZING-- HILLARIOUS! Great sense of diction,creative writing at its best I would say. I found it very captivating,he made something ordinary become extraordinary. The weird thing I notticed is that most of the people from Canada also chose to read this story first.
Absolutely brilliant, the collaberation of words is..
Absolutely brilliant, the collaberation of words is intense, intruiging,ahhhh, brilliant. -Nathan Noll from Michigan
That was very well-written, and bloody hilarious.
That was very well-written, and bloody hilarious.
haha, brilliant piece of writing, not only is it laugh out..
haha, brilliant piece of writing, not only is it laugh out loud funny and a very good way of letting out supressed anger, its very easy to identify with...
i liked your story, maybe its a little too long, but i..
i liked your story, maybe its a little too long, but i liked the progress in it. although it was long i liked to read it one turn and some things really made me smile.
Like Mozart, talented and clever, but lacking the depth of..
Like Mozart, talented and clever, but lacking the depth of his peers. If this is a tease, the future is bright. If it is the zenith, what a waste.
completely loved this piece. as other readers said, seems a..
completely loved this piece. as other readers said, seems a love/hate thing. my opinion is: Outstanding writing, great attention holder, and polite golf clap to the author.--Signed: Perry McGee, a new guy stumbling across this site for the first time
Nice story. actually got me laughing out loud.It takes an..
Nice story. actually got me laughing out loud.It takes an unconventional person with a good sense of humor to appreciate this style of writing. Been long since I saw an awkwad yet highly imaginative piece
Brilliant. i loved the fact that there wasnt a beginning,..
Brilliant. i loved the fact that there wasnt a beginning, middle and end, just a moment in a writers mind, very funny. More movingly, a moment in a friendship. Impressed how, in so few words, i had a cutting insight into the writers personality and vulnerability. Although i did feel the pub ending was a bit weak. still, great, want more! michelle, london.
Funny? No. Hilarious? No. I dont think theres a word..
Funny? No. Hilarious? No. I dont think theres a word to do justice how much this reeks of excellence, both comically and structurally. Whoever said about the ideas not being explored more fully...Thats because its more a trail-of-thought conversation than a "Ive got an idea so Ill stick with it" conversation. Loved it, Very well done.
Beautiful. I want to go to the pub with them, I bet theyd..
Beautiful. I want to go to the pub with them, I bet theyd be a riot to hang around with. Completely unique. More more more! Amber in Michigan
I enjoyed the humor and originality of the stories..
I enjoyed the humor and originality of the stories approach. I would like to read more of the writers stories.
I really liked this story. It was a bit different and it..
I really liked this story. It was a bit different and it was funny. Masterpiece.
This was brilliant. And to those saying this story was..
This was brilliant. And to those saying this story was cheating by the author writing about writing I think it was more about how the guy felt about what had happened than writing a story. It was a great was to portray this.
one word, HILARIOUS! Once i started reading it i couldnt..
one word, HILARIOUS! Once i started reading it i couldnt help but laugh outloud! great job!
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