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The Man Who Married Himself

'Why not?'

With those two words, my good friend Reverend Zatarga changed the course of my life. When he said them to me, he had just spent two hours on the telephone with Bishop Fleming discussing various sections of the Bible in excruciatingly fine detail. He pointed out that Leviticus warns Christians not to marry their sister, aunt, mother, mother-in-law, daughter or even their granddaughter (should they be tempted). But nowhere in the good book is there a rule against marrying oneself. So when I told Reverend Zatarga that was exactly what I wanted to do, he eventually conceded those two fateful words:

'Why not?'

Of course, the Bible also neglects to forbid anyone from marrying great-grandmothers, tables or pet fish. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Bishop Fleming ended up marrying his beloved French poodle as a result of all this. Or his blanket - after all he's been sleeping with it for years. Anyway, once I convinced the good Reverend to let me marry the man of my dreams, I had to convince my mother and father. I'd have to say that between an international religion, firmly established for two millennia, and my own humble parents, my parents were far more difficult to persuade.

My mother just wouldn't take it seriously at first. OK, very few people took it seriously, but I needed her to know I meant it. She kept asking me silly things like 'Why marry - you can just live with yourself?' or 'What will you wear for the wedding?'

And sadly, it drove my father quite mad. Literally. For years after the wedding he spent days typing up articles for a wide variety of news journals, record books and space administration newsletters claiming that he was the first person to have had sex in space. He seemed quite convinced, despite the fact that the closest he had come to space was the big button on his computer keyboard. When asked who he had allegedly had sex with, he would usually pause briefly for dramatic effect, turn his wild eyes towards you and yell shrilly: 'Myself!'

I would have hoped that I could trust my best friends to be sympathetic towards my cause, but I think it was all a bit of a joke for them. They were often supportive, but after the wedding they just spent a lot of time making fun of me. Some of the wedding presents I received from them were quite demeaning: pornographic magazines, silk gloves, even a ceiling mirror. And I'm disappointed in them for not stifling their mirth when Reverend Zatarga recited the marriage vows: 'Will you keep yourself as a husband, to live as one in marriage? Will you love and comfort yourself, obey and honour yourself in sickness and in health, and be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?' I swear one of my friends wet himself laughing.

I had a great honeymoon in Las Vegas, gambling away all my savings with nobody to nag me about how much money I was spending. I had a penthouse suite in the Luxor hotel for the night of consummation . . .

I had many reasons for getting married when I did, apart from the tax benefits of course (trying to make the tax inspector understand that I was my own spouse was hell, though). Ever since I understood the concept of wedlock, I longed for a partner that I could trust. I wanted to have someone with me always, to whom I could tell all my deepest, darkest secrets without having them laugh at me. Unfortunately, although getting girlfriends was usually not too big a problem for me, I tended to have excruciatingly bad taste. Then I realised that my perfect partner was closer to home than anyone could have realised.

←2→

Altogether, I think the marriage was a great success for the most part. I rarely argued with my spouse; in fact I found myself to be the best conversation holder around. The few times that I did argue, I always won. And the sex was, well - it was whatever I made of it. There was some media intrusion of course, lots of cheap journalists trying to cash in on this unusual union. I found some of their articles amusing, and others quite offensive, especially the ones dubbing me the most conceited and/or narcissistic man in the world. I don't think I'm such an egotist, I just happen to enjoy my company.

I suppose it was a hormonal thing, a stage of life or something, that made me suddenly crave a child. The cliche is that I realised I was mortal, and I therefore wanted to pass on my genes. So after many days weighing up the pros and cons I decided to split up from my husband in order to find a wife. I had a chat with Reverend Zatarga, and he informed me that I couldn't just file for a divorce on a moment's notice. I had to have legitimate justification. Curiously, wanting a baby wasn't on the list of good reasons to divorce.

As the good Reverend explained, I could only divorce if I had been living apart from my spouse for at least a year which would be difficult without major surgery or if my spouse had treated me cruelly or been imprisoned for at least a year. I wasn't particularly willing to beat myself up a bit or lounge around in prison just so I could divorce myself. That left one option: Adultery. I just had to have sex with someone other than myself; normal, straight, human sex, and I could be free from the bonds of marriage.

And so it was that I reluctantly removed my wedding ring and started searching for a mate. My friends were cruel about it, saying that I was separating to stop myself from going blind. I think my mother was relieved when I told her that my relationship with myself was coming to an end. My father just paused for dramatic effect, turned his wild eyes towards me and yelled shrilly: 'Myself!' Maybe he really is on another world.

←3

I expected it to take me quite a while to find someone who was both willing to sleep with me and who hadn't read the newspapers enough to know that I was already married, but I soon found a plain-faced Malaysian girl who was relatively easy to seduce. The sex was, to be honest, rather disappointing. It seemed that she knew almost nothing of what turns a man on, whereas by that point I myself had become quite an expert. I suppose it wasn't great for her either - I wasn't practised in pleasuring members of the fairer sex.

The divorce was easy after that. It seemed that the church was keen to split me apart, as if my marriage had been a big mistake. I felt quite lonely for several months after the break-up. At least the local psychiatrist (specialising in multiple personality disorders) stopped sending me his damned business cards every week.

It took me nearly a decade to find a good wife who didn't think she'd be marrying into a threesome. Most of that time was just waiting for the media to forget about 'The Man Who Married Himself'. Meanwhile, I wrote an autobiography with that very title. Included in the book was a detailed account of my marriage to myself, including the ups and downs of living with myself, how I dealt with everyone's criticism of me and my husband, and some intimate details of my relationship. I think it was these sections that made the book a real success when it was published some years later. People were just curious to read about the implications of such an unusual marriage. I suppose it made people think. They would read my book and ask themselves: 'Am I easy to live with? If I had to live with me, could I do it?' They all stopped searching for their Mister or Little Miss Right for just a moment to ask themselves if they would ever make a good spouse for anyone.

I didn't hear of any copycat self-marriages, which probably either means the media lost interest or the church is determined not to let it happen again. Anyway, that's all behind me now. My wife and I have just moved into a new home, big enough to accommodate our new child when he is born. I am happy now. In fact, right now I can't wipe the smile off my face. You see, our next door neighbours are Bishop Fleming and his lovely wife, the French poodle.

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Average: 5 (2 votes)

Comments

Submitted by admin on Sun, 07/31/2005 - 12:36

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interesting.

Submitted by admin on Mon, 10/10/2005 - 13:50

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To be totally honest, to myself and to others, I thought that story was more psychologically interesting in the perspective of what was going through the authors head when he was writing this story, rather than a belly aching funny story. Dont get me wrong or anything, I thought the story was rather good. It was very different, and new, but also a bit over rated. A bit silly actually. So silly and ridiculous, it wasnt as funny as it would have been, should it have been more realistic. I mean, come on! Who would want to marry themselves??

Submitted by admin on Thu, 10/13/2005 - 23:21

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Am new to "East of the Web" stuff, but this story was so stupidly funny it was hilariously brilliant! Kinda like those poor folks you might see on the street who are so ugly they are cute. Great read. Laughed so hard at one point my daughter thought I was crying! :)

Submitted by admin on Mon, 12/05/2005 - 10:59

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Thestory is absolutely funny and different. If reading a story that has a man that married himself isnt funny than I dont know what is. The story is jam packed with deeply thought out details. What makes this story so funny, to me, is that this man actually went to a church and got married. To top it off, the author had him go on his honeymoon. I love how the author put the characters emotions in the story like when he felt lonely because he wants to have a child so he wants to file for divorce, but he cant because he doesn’t have enough reason to do so. The story was just outrageously funny. The character thought the only way he could get out of this marriage was to comment adultery. I still cant believe that this man married himself and for a moment he was actually happy with it too. I cant believe that this man is very intimate with himself thats mad crazy, but so interesting. What made you write such a unique story like this? Honestly, the author created enough detail to show that this man is messed up in the mind to actually go through something like this.

Submitted by admin on Sat, 01/14/2006 - 19:36

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hmmm....

Submitted by admin on Mon, 03/27/2006 - 07:25

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This story was really funny, we can think that the narrator is narcissic but he really believes in his future with himself, its surprising , I like it and it isnt difficult to understand which isnt always the case with humourous stories.
Moreover when he really realizes his mistake its very funny because he is ridiculous and afterwards he eventually wants to marry a woman.

Submitted by admin on Sun, 04/16/2006 - 20:58

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Oh No! I have been in a Chinese University for several months trying to defend some of Americas most bizarre behavior in the world. One of the Chinese students told me about this story and thought it was TRUE!

Submitted by admin on Sun, 04/30/2006 - 22:15

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this story is just wonderful! its reallu useful to ask and see if you are good enough for your self before you share ytour life with someone else.wife/husband.
its intresting story and i think everyone should read it to have an idea and asks themselves if they can be goof for them selves. befgore involving them selves with other mate; so that the relationship could last./

Submitted by admin on Thu, 05/25/2006 - 13:51

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The end of this story is great, the ending is foreshadowed towards the beging of the story but you think that the writer is just joking around. In the beginning I thought that the story was sick/disgusting, what kind of a person is so obsessed with himself or herself that they want to marry themselves. The part of the story where all of his friends and even his family ridicule him and his father actually writes down how dissapointed he is in his son and publishes it. Even his mother thinks that he has lost his mind but in the end he goes back to what people think is normal.

Submitted by admin on Tue, 06/27/2006 - 17:24

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brilliant.. useful 4 our life..

Keep up the good work dude

Although i hav read in a newspaper abt marrying oneself, the way the author has thought, its unique, awesome and thought-provoking

Excellent

Submitted by admin on Mon, 07/17/2006 - 17:59

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This wasnt funny. It wasnt witty or clever. This story was stupid. The idea is juvenile. The circumstances within the story are weak. I feel sympathy for those who laugh at this lack of creativity. Sad.

Submitted by admin on Thu, 07/27/2006 - 19:51

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I like this story, I think if someone wants to be happy with himself, first, the person have to love and believe in himself because we have to be proud on what we are, do, and give to get and share happines. The story helps a lot to find what we really are inside.

Submitted by admin on Sat, 07/29/2006 - 19:22

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Very good, and some wonderful jokes. Considering the subject matter, I thought the narrators sex life was handed with exemplary discretion. I am wondering if the author is a fan of Woody Allan?

Submitted by admin on Mon, 10/02/2006 - 16:56

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This story has some real insight for those that are about to take the matrimonial plunge. It points out that one should take a serious look at yourself, as objectivly as possible, with the question Am I as attractive a partner as it takes to be in a lifelong commitment? The story is interwoven with satirical comments about self marraige with an underlying theme that says you should take a long and hard look at yourself before entering into a commitment of such a huge magnitude. I thuroughly enjoyed reading it and found myself smiling most of the time and I think you will to if you dont take it too seriously.

Submitted by admin on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 01:43

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I really like the ideas presented, and some of the witticisms along the way, but the ending really falls flat. Perhaps if the author had removed the whole Church and Reverand elements before publishing it, and changed the ending (i.e he divorces himself but does NOT remarry, having discovered that he doesnt really need anyone else - and he then adopts a boy to raise to be like himself), I would have laughed a lot more. Thanks anyway Charlie Fish.
~ Amber ~

Submitted by admin on Wed, 10/25/2006 - 12:19

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Having read a couple of your other pieces, I think this is weaker but still well written. To have the idea in the first place is an inspired one (if not copied from the Jam sketch, which is similar) however i think the ideas within the piece are fairly generic. Also, I think you may have had too many ideas for this piece to fit in a story of this length.

I really cant understand the people who have read the whole thing and the first thing that comes to their minds is that its in the wrong section, and should be edited or put in PG13 section. I dont believe the author should try and meet others opinions like that and should write as they want. The Malaysian girl is a necessary part to the story for example.

I didnt like the part where the Father went mad, this in my mind was one of the being too generic examples, was almost a cop out reaction for the parent to have. But again this is a short story and so being brief on his reaction was a necessity.

Really do like your writing style however and look forward to reading more in the future.

-Rob Smith-

Submitted by admin on Mon, 10/30/2006 - 03:42

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outrageously funny! i hope that its just a piece of a creative mind... had it been based from a true story, i cant think of any adjective that will best describe the character... never in my wildest dreams have i thought of "self-marriage"... i love myself but not to the extent of marrying my own being! the storyline made a good laugh. good work!

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