After The Wink
It starts out so harmlessly.
I don't really mean anything by it, I'm just in one of those moods. I mean, when you're 42 years old and have 3 kids and a husband and responsibilities, who figures on finding excitement, too? Other than bad excitement, like when you have to hit the brakes hard and all your blood vessels get a quick yee-ha.
It's true, I've been noticing men a lot lately. Their arms, particularly. Don't ask me why, but I've suddenly become fascinated with men's arms. Forearms, lightly furred, with those lines of tendons and the swell of muscle below the elbow that women just don't have. And men's hands, square and capable. I see them everywhere. In restaurants, at gas stations, in the middle of the aisle at the freakin' K-Mart, for god's sake. It's embarrassing to know I'm lusting in Lawn & Garden.
It's not just the young men either, mind you. I've been noticing older men, too. Men in their 40's and 50's, men who maybe think no woman is looking at them that way any more. Mostly I like the ones who still have plenty of hair and rugged looking faces, who look like they still get some, you know? Ponytails too, on older men, catch my attention. Here's a guy who thinks young, I figure. I could be wrong. Maybe he's just a guy who hates going to the barber.
Anyway, I'm sitting there at the coffee shop, I'm reading a book by Robin Hemley and it makes me laugh out loud. I look around to see if anyone notices and there's a man smiling at me. He's good-looking too. He's sitting at one of the tables, reading a magazine, and it's not just any magazine, not about motorcycles or computers or entertainers, it's the New Yorker. The guy's literate, for crying in the sink.
I give him a little smile. Going back to my reading, I shift in my seat, cross my legs, straighten my back a little. Knockers up, my aunt used to say. I rest my chin on my hand, arching my neck a little. That's body language for "I'm interested". Or something like that. A customer near the front makes a huge mess by dropping her coffee, the tray clattering to the floor. I take a quick glance at Mr. Attractive and he's looking at me. So I smile. And then, God help me, I wink.
Now it's just a little wink, just an acknowledgement that he's there and I'm there and we both see the humor of the situation and that, perhaps, we're somehow both a little more in the know than the average joker and already have this little connection, but that's all it is. I swear.
But it's enough.
Because next thing I know, he's picking up his coffee and his New Yorker and he's coming over to me, doing that little raised eyebrow thing to ask if he can join me and I'm nodding, nodding, thinking I don't quite believe this. He asks me about my book and I ask him about his magazine and I mention, modestly, that I'm a writer and he mentions, modestly, that he's a musician, and even though we're really a bookkeeper and a systems analyst, we understand that we're not defined by our paying jobs. I tell him my name and he tells me his and it's one of those names I always admired. He has a little bit of curly black/grey/white hair coming out of the collar of his shirt. His eyes crinkle at the corners and his forearms flex as he leans forward on his elbows to talk to me in low tones that require that I lean forward too. I smile to show my dimples and hope that I don't have coffee breath and we keep talking. About books and music and the theatre. About the way that parking is getting impossible in this town and how traffic is ridiculous. He mentions that he lives near South Park and I mention that I'm over by the university and pretty soon our coffee is cold and it's somehow gotten to be an hour later.
It's really time for me to leave and he walks me to my car, which thank heavens is decently clean, with no McDonald's Happy Meal figures on the front seat. He mentions that he's going to the poetry slam next Friday because his friend is playing flute for some poet and I mention that I've never been to a poetry slam and he says I should try it. So I say maybe I will and I drive away with my hands perspiring on the steering wheel.
I have no complaints about my husband, that has to be understood. He's loving and thoughtful and sexy and he picks up his socks and puts down the toilet seat. But on Friday night I'm at the damn poetry slam, trying to look like I'm enjoying it but really keeping an eye out for Mr. Handsome only I don't see him and feel like a fool and I'm just getting ready to leave (I mean it, I'm only giving it five more minutes) when he walks in. And he winks at me.
The place is crowded and noisy, people are talking to each other and completely ignoring the woman in purple tights and purple hair who is bellowing some poem about spaghetti, and when he takes my elbow and leads me away to a quieter corner, a little thrill runs right up my arm. He asks if I want to get out of there and I nod and suddenly my knees are way too loose and I'm afraid that if I walk, they'll bend backwards, the wrong way, which would not be attractive at all.
I manage to pull myself together and we get in our cars and I follow him to a bar, which is quiet and lowlit and has a nice band playing oldies. We talk and dance and his arms go around my waist, which has mostly been used to apron strings and babies' monkey legs and my husband's arms. Which are also nicely hairy and brown and have those good flexy muscles. Which I'm trying not to think about just like I'm trying not to mention that both Mr. Gorgeous and I are wearing wedding rings. Because we are, and we're not kidding ourselves that this is anything but an exercise in visibility.
You see, it seems to me that after 40, you become invisible. Oh, you're still there and people see you but they don't really SEE you. They see this person whose daughter is now an adult and whose mother is now a child and who's supposed to hold everything together. A person who couldn't possibly have desires and doubts and unfulfilled longings. A person who is still, improbably, perhaps imperceptibly, a person.
I take a good look at Mr. Still-Has-It and I can see that he still loves rock'n'roll and still would look good behind the wheel of a Corvette and still has a bit of anxiety about how he looks to a younger woman. Which I am, to him. So I smile and flirt and he flirts back and it feel real good. We dance and I think about how strange it is to be in the arms of someone else, another man, a man who is a bit taller and bulkier than my husband, with a different voice and different lips and different eyes. It feels so weird, and then it feels even weirder when he kisses me, which he does, right there in the middle of the dance floor. I haven't kissed another man on the lips in over 20 years and now his mouth is on mine, and it's different, a different touch and taste and style. More than that, it's real, I'm really here and I'm doing this thing.
I start to shake, start to vibrate like a goddamn tuning fork, until he probably thinks he's such a good kisser that I'm going into orgasm, but actually I'm about three counties away from an orgasm. I'm just shaking with fear because I realize that I'm thinking about a lot more than kissing and that scares the hell out of me.
He laughs a little, softly, in a pleased sort of way, and I blush all the way to my fingernails and we go back to the table. He's looking at me and I think, yes, look at me. I'm not ready to be old, to have all my fun behind me. I want to shimmy when I dance, and wiggle when I walk. I want a man to look at me and get a little yee-ha of his own.
Then I begin to think that maybe this is why people cheat in the first place. To have this warm glow that comes from someone else's eyes. To remember who they are and not to be the person that everyone thinks they are and, a little bit, not to be the person they know they are.
I look at him too. I see a man who's just as scared as I am of becoming invisible. Or being seen as past it, on the far side of manhood, as being old. So I reach across the table and take his hand (good hands, wide and blunt-fingered, the hands of a man who can fix things). I stroke his wrist and tell him without saying it that he's still pretty sexy-looking and makes my mouth water. I think about all the things I've never done and all the things I'll never be, and I wonder if it's too late.
A rush goes through me, starting with my lips, making them feel warm and full, and I think, damn, what a hell of a time for my first hot flash. But it's not a hot flash. It's the realization that I'm not going to do a thing. Because among all those things I wanted to do with my life, this wasn't on the list.
I give Mr. It-Might-Have-Been a quick kiss on the cheek. I'll have daydreams for a while about him, play with thoughts that should send me to confession, and keep the memory of his kiss for those days when I can't jump-start my own desires. I drive home and sit for a moment in the car, looking up at the light in the bedroom window.
You know, sometimes a wink is really just a nervous tic, a sudden twitch of muscles contracted in error by a misguided neuron, an accident of synapses gone awry. The muscles keep twitching until something clicks over and they smooth out, like a skip in an old 45 rpm record, and everything goes back to normal. The way it should be, I guess. The way it is. The way the music plays best.
Comments
After The Wink is a sad/funny (or maybe funny/sad) story by..
After The Wink is a sad/funny (or maybe funny/sad) story by a writer who really knows what shes doing. The narrator jumps off the page, brought to life by little snippets like: see this person whose daughter is now an adult and whose mother is now a child and whos supposed to hold everything together... I must admit, part of me was disappointed to find her settling for what life had given her, and despite that final sentence, theres still a little longing in her voice at the end. The way it should be, I guess. The way it is. The way the music plays best. Excellent stuff, Carolyn. Thanks for the read. John Ravenscroft
This tightly written story features real characters, real..
This tightly written story features real characters, real emotions, and not one word out of place. A great read. Thanks Carolyn. Fern Johnson
quality; absorbing and imaginatively worded. this is..
quality; absorbing and imaginatively worded. this is writing with soul, the way it should be. youre given no chance to get bored. mt.
This is not a genre I typically read. But I was astounded..
This is not a genre I typically read. But I was astounded by Ms. Agostas writing. Her character is real and lives in an all to real world. It touched me and made me smile. Thank you. Will Mac
My appreciation of this wonderfully written little vignette..
My appreciation of this wonderfully written little vignette has to do with a real life encounter similar to the one in the story. And, just to dispel forever the Men from Mars, women from Venus theory, I was a fortyish man at the time I nearly succumbed to "the wink." I too managed to recognize and acknowledge the very valid fear of losing what mattered most in exchange for what might ultimately have not amounted to anything at all. Having said that, I naturally, over the years, have had moments of regret. These will now strike with less frequency and intensity as this neat little bit of writing helped me with my perspective.
Cute little story, and very well written.. it almost makes..
Cute little story, and very well written.. it almost makes you wish the characters will fall in love and run away to Florida together...
A good read about an interesting situation with a character..
A good read about an interesting situation with a character you can really identify with brought to life by well written imagery.Maybe though a bit more info on her husband is needed so the reader can make up his/her mind on whether she made the right descision or not by staying with him.
I loved this wonderfully written story, full of real life..
I loved this wonderfully written story, full of real life sense, and situation. It also brought the reader right to the heart of the matter, that we are all looking for validation, and recognition. Thanks!
I am adding my positive comment to this fine story. It..
I am adding my positive comment to this fine story. It grabbed me with its humour right off and held me with its real-life scenario. I especially appreciated the ending - poignant but in keeping with the character who was well portrayed. Glynis Gertsch.
I would have preferred a desperate start by the narrator,..
I would have preferred a desperate start by the narrator, some impetus as to why she "needs" a wink instead of the dime a dozen routine of a board wife.
Good story. I could relate to it. Nice use of the language...
Good story. I could relate to it. Nice use of the language. Like the last reader, I think Id like more background also. More info about her kids. More info about what the other man looked like--what color are his eyes, for example. I like the "knockers up" sentence.
this is a great short story and is also an example of how..
this is a great short story and is also an example of how ordinary people go through these complications every day of their life and its like a real life experience, ya noe? ~laura pacini aka lucy/Kibbles
Very funny (difficult to do well, I think) and the..
Very funny (difficult to do well, I think) and the character is convincing. I felt that all the understanding/self-realisation moments were a little packed together though - resolved too quickly maybe.
First time on this site and first story read - hope the..
First time on this site and first story read - hope the rest are as enjoyably simple. Maybe the ending was a little sudden as was the transition from poetry slam to dancefloor - maybe thats the point. Thanks Carolyn. INDY - london
A very romantic and touching story.
A very romantic and touching story.
That was really nice and honest. down to earth...and fun.
That was really nice and honest. down to earth...and fun.
I enjoyed Agostas walk through the mind of a near middle..
I enjoyed Agostas walk through the mind of a near middle aged woman. Agosta surprised me with description and asides that depicted exactly what i was thinking. She put words to my thoughts. I, too, like the wink metaphore. However i believe the story would be stronger told in an active tense.
It was a really cute story. THe charachters and writing..
It was a really cute story. THe charachters and writing style were real and honest. It made me wish that the charachters would run off together to some secluded romantic spot. A great read!!
Great story. It was the second story I read on this site..
Great story. It was the second story I read on this site and it brought back my interest in the short story. Thanks!
Neat, well written story that grabs the readers interest..
Neat, well written story that grabs the readers interest from the beginning. I think it has just the right amount of everything.
I really liked this story. There are so many instances when..
I really liked this story. There are so many instances when real people go through these situations in real life too.
The writing was mediocre.
The writing was mediocre.
I loved this. I loved the way that, though there was humour..
I loved this. I loved the way that, though there was humour and a lightness of touch the characters were touching and vulnerable. It was also beautifully economical, and the almost dead-pan afterword ending was great. E.Baines.
Lovely story. There is a longing in it that I can..
Lovely story. There is a longing in it that I can appreciate, a longing for something more than what one has. I must admit I really liked the description of that kiss. It seems like the kind of story I will remember, out of the thousands I have read, when one day I will have become nearly invisible myself. Beautiful.
It was a very well written story. I disagree more..
It was a very well written story. I disagree more background information was needed, I hate it when authors make things too obvious. The one disappointment was that it was too easy to second guess from start to finish.
Lovely, real, and funny -- a winning combination...
Lovely, real, and funny -- a winning combination. Excellent, economic choice of details. My only suggestion would be to stretch the time out a little more -- it all seems to happen so fast, from first sighting to resolution -- perhaps let her think some of these things while shes going about her routine at home, thinking about Mr. NYer, looking forward to the poetry slam, wondering if shell summon the nerve to go, etc. Draw the evolution of her feelings out in time a little longer, which will make her final decision feel more solid. Anyway, wonderful piece, a pleasure to read. K. Bickford
I found it sad; a very well written story. Thanks.
I found it sad; a very well written story. Thanks.
im only 13 years old but some how for some resone i could..
im only 13 years old but some how for some resone i could conect to her & realise how it must have been & how it will be for her. Iv been inspiered by this writer & will be looking up whether they have writen more books of this sort thanx alot!
Brite, fun, cute, quaint, easy-to-follow, interesting, ..
Brite, fun, cute, quaint, easy-to-follow, interesting, charming. Feet on the ground. Greg K...(5 stars)
I was hooked from start to finish and enjoyed it immensely...
I was hooked from start to finish and enjoyed it immensely. But theres nothing remotely original in a tale like this. Its just a concise literary version of the film Shirley Valentine. Craig H
It was a delightful story that I enjoyed from beginning to..
It was a delightful story that I enjoyed from beginning to end. B.L. Williams, New Orleans, LA
While I enjoy the prose and imagery, I dont feel the..
While I enjoy the prose and imagery, I dont feel the authors time and energy in the piece. In other words, this is too easy to write and the author is capable of writing something much more significant. If I may be so bold, I would like to offer my advice to Ms. Agosta, to ask "why am I putting this detail into the story?" and other questions, such as: "why am I writing this story right now? What is my underlying message? (Is it to justify guilt, or am I trying to bring a little light into the world to make people more understanding of others?) I like to come up with a theme, myself, when I write a story. For instance, I take the trait of guilt about being late for something, and write a story about being late and how it affects the people who are waiting for me. This gives the story a little more weight. I did not get the notion that there was anything more to "Wink" than a flighty fantasy, and fantasies are difficult enough to make believable. What "Wink" lacks in depth, it makes up for in entertainment value. Thank you. -R
very good
very good
Beautifully told story: well-paced and just the right..
Beautifully told story: well-paced and just the right amount of detail. Not sure about the last paragraph - is it really necessary? P.S. really identified with the forearms bit - I started noticing them in my late thirties!
I am shocked by comments that the writing in this story was..
I am shocked by comments that the writing in this story was less than great. Too many stories have useless but fancy adjectives in hopes of impressing the reader with vocabulary rather that a good story. I loved it. I would read it again. Well done.
a wonderful read.the anticipation of whether she will turn..
a wonderful read.the anticipation of whether she will turn and spend the rest of her adorning life with this man and so call ditch her "undesired life". You imagine exactly the atmosphere and mood of every character as the writer has cleverly captured your imagination for the moments you read this. you relise what a wink really is -a sexual inspired thought.
I enjoyed the storys simple sincerety. I could not have..
I enjoyed the storys simple sincerety. I could not have less in common with the protoganist (as a twenty-something single male). So it was interesting to read from that mindset. The only problem was that I thought you tipped your hand too soon. I knew that this woman was NOT going to have an affair from very early on.
yeah it was quite good, for the first time i hAVE BEEN ON..
yeah it was quite good, for the first time i hAVE BEEN ON THIS SITE, only a young lad so dont know where she is comin from
well done.
well done.
superb story - full of heart, clarity, and honesty. Theres..
superb story - full of heart, clarity, and honesty. Theres nothing extra. While others may want to know more about her and her background, the question is, do you have to know more? sorry, thats all we get. and you know, its enough. What a gem. guy b.
I love it when I pick a story that sounds good and it turns..
I love it when I pick a story that sounds good and it turns out better. I like real people and real emotions in believable situations and this story was just that. Its my first time visiting this site and your story made my day. thanks...dennis
This isnt a story, its the biography of someone I once..
This isnt a story, its the biography of someone I once knew. I was the guy. Ron
oh gosh i loved this story! it was funny and sad and real...
oh gosh i loved this story! it was funny and sad and real. that story probably has alot of truth to it. (but i cant relate so i wouldnt really know) i felt kinda bad at the ending because i found myself wishing that they had run off together or something. --hes
Thank you for affirming, through your prose, what real love..
Thank you for affirming, through your prose, what real love is and what it isnt. Your honest assessment of the insecurities of the "average" middle aged man or woman was insightful and concise. An economy of words demonstrates the security of the writer. The "truth" of your subject came through in the precision. I need to go hug my wife.
Well done! The story is very well written. The author hooks..
Well done! The story is very well written. The author hooks the reader and keeps it interesting to the end. A joy to read.
I disagree with those who requested more details. This is a..
I disagree with those who requested more details. This is a beautiful story that many of us can relate to. I felt connected to the characters because I was given the opportunity to make the mystery man and her husband look exactly as I wanted them to, allowing me to incorporate my fantasies into Carolyns story. Job well done!
I enjoyed reading this, although truthfully probably more..
I enjoyed reading this, although truthfully probably more because it felt like I had snooped into somones diary!
Carolyns story is a wonderful recognition of the need to be..
Carolyns story is a wonderful recognition of the need to be noticed sexually, the need to be admired, despite ones age and slightly fading glories. Its not a novel theme, of course, but here its handled with humor and delicacy. Well done. M.
Great story. It is simple, charming and humorous. I also..
Great story. It is simple, charming and humorous. I also loved the way the author came up with so many names for the mystery man!Kirsty.
Inspirational to women and insightful to men. Enjoyable.
Inspirational to women and insightful to men. Enjoyable.
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