A Lifestyle
In my youth, before becoming a farmer and cattleman, I was a bank employee. This is how it all came about:
I was twenty-four years old at the time and had no close relatives. I was living in this same little apartment on Santa Fe Avenue, between Canning and Araoz.
Now, it's well known that accidents can happen even in such a small space. In my case, it was a tiny accident; when I tried to open the door to go to work, the key broke off in the lock.
After resorting in vain to screwdrivers and pliers, I decided to call a locksmith shop. While waiting for the locksmith, I informed the bank I would be coming in a bit late.
Fortunately, the locksmith arrived quite promptly. Concerning this man, I remember only that, although he looked young, his hair was completely white. Through the peephole I said to him: "My key broke off in the lock."
He sketched a quick gesture of annoyance in the air: "On the inside? In that case, it's already a more difficult matter. It's going to take me at least three hours, and I'll have to charge you about ..."
He estimated a terribly high price.
"I don't have that much money in the house right now," I replied. "But as soon as I get out, I'll go to the bank and pay you."
He looked at me with reproachful eyes, as if I had suggested something immoral to him: "I'm very sorry, sir," he articulated with instructive courtesy. "But I am not only a charter member of the Argentine Locksmiths' Union, but also one of the principal framers of the Magna Carta of our organization. Nothing has been left to chance in it. If you should have the pleasure of reading this inspiring document, you would learn, in the chapter dedicated to 'Basic Maxims,' that the perfect locksmith is prohibited from collecting subsequent to the conclusion of the work."
I smiled, incredulous: "You're joking, of course."
"My dear sir, the subject of the Magna Carta of the Argentine Locksmiths' Union is no joking matter. The writing of our Magna Carta, in which no detail has been overlooked and whose various chapters are governed by an underlying moral principle, took us years of arduous study. Of course, not everyone can understand it, since we often employ a symbolic or esoteric language. Nevertheless, I believe you will understand clause 7 of our Introduction: 'Gold shall open doors, and the doors shall adore it.' "
I prepared not to accept such ridiculousness: "Please," I said to him. "Be reasonable. Open the door for me, and I'll pay you at once."
"I'm sorry, sir. There are ethics in every profession, and in the locksmiths' profession they are inflexible. Good day, sir."
And, with that, he left.
I stood there for a few moments, bewildered. Then I called the bank again and informed them I probably wouldn't be able to come in that day. Later on I thought about the white-haired locksmith and said to myself: "That man is a lunatic. I'm going to call another locksmith shop, and, just in case, I'm not going to say I have no money until after they open the door for me."
I searched in the telephone directory and called.
"What address?" a guarded feminine voice asked me.
"3653 Santa Fe, Apartment 10-A."
She hesitated a moment, had me repeat the address, and said: "Impossible, sir. The Magna Carta of the Argentine Locksmiths' Union prohibits us from doing any work at that address."
I lit up in a flame of anger: "Now listen here! Don't be ridic..."
She hung up without letting me finish the word.
So I went back to the telephone directory and placed some twenty calls to as many locksmith shops. The instant they heard the address, they all flatly refused to do the job.
"O.K., fine," I said to myself. "I'll find a solution elsewhere."
I called the janitor of the building and described the problem to him.
"Two things," he answered. "In the first place, I don't know how to open locks, and, in the second place, even if I did know how, I wouldn't do it, since my job is cleaning up the place and not letting suspicious birds out of their cages. Furthermore, you've never been too generous with your tips."
I then started to get very nervous and carried out a series of useless, illogical actions: I had a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, sat down, stood up, took a few steps, washed my hands, drank a glass of water.
Then I remembered Monica DiChiave; I dialed her number, waited, and heard her voice: "Monica," I said, feigning sweetness and nonchalance. "How's everything? How's it goin', honey?"
Her reply left me trembling: "So, you finally remembered to call? I can tell you really love me. I haven't seen hide or hair of you in almost two weeks."
Arguing with women is beyond my capacity, especially in the state of psychological inferiority in which I then found myself. Nevertheless, I tried to explain to her quickly what was happening to me. I don't know whether she didn't understand me or refused to hear me out. The last thing she said before hanging up was: "I'm nobody's plaything."
I now had to carry out a second series of useless, illogical actions.
Then I called the bank, in the hope that some fellow employee could come and open the door. Bad luck; it fell to my lot to talk to Enzo Paredes, a dimwitted joker whom I detested: "So you can't get out of your house?" he exclaimed abominably. "You just never run out of excuses not to come to work!"
I was seized by something akin to a homicidal urge. I hung up, called again, and asked for Michelangelo Laporta, who was a little brighter. Sure enough, he seemed interested in finding a solution: "Tell me, was it the key or the lock that broke?"
"The key."
"And it was left inside the lock?"
"Half of it was left inside," I replied, already somewhat exasperated by this interrogation, "and the other half outside."
"Didn't you try to get out the little piece that's stuck inside with a screwdriver?"
"Yes, of course I tried, but it's impossible."
"Oh. Well then, you're going to have to call a locksmith."
"I already called," I retorted, suppressing the rage that was choking me, "but they want payment in advance."
"So, pay him and there you are."
"But, don't you see, I haven't got any money."
Then he grew bored: "Man, Skinny, you sure have your problems!"
I couldn't come up with a quick reply. I should have asked him for some money, but his remark left me baffled, and I couldn't think of anything.
And so ended that day.
The next day I got up early to start making more phone calls. But - something quite frequent - I found the telephone out of order. Another insoluble problem: how to request the repair service without a telephone to place the call?
I went out onto the balcony and began to shout to people walking along Santa Fe Avenue. The street noise was deafening; who could hear someone yelling from a tenth floor? At most, an occasional person would raise his head distractedly and then continue on his way.
I next placed five sheets of paper and four carbons in the typewriter and composed the following message: "Madam or Sir: My key has broken off in the lock. I have been locked in for two days. Please, do something to free me. 3653 Santa Fe, Apartment 10-A."
I threw the five sheets over the railing. From such a height, the possibilities of a vertical drop were minimal. Wafted about on a whimsical wind, they fluttered around for a long time. Three fell in the street and were immediately run over and blackened by the incessant vehicles. Another landed on a store awning. But the fifth one dropped on the sidewalk. Immediately, a diminutive gentleman picked it up and read it. He then looked up, shading his eyes with his left hand. I put on a friendly face for him. The gentleman tore the paper up into many little pieces and with an irate gesture hurled them into the gutter.
In short, for many more weeks I continued making all kinds of efforts. I threw hundreds of messages from the balcony; either they weren't read or they were read and weren't taken seriously.
One day I saw an envelope that had been slipped under my apartment door; the telephone company was cutting off my service for nonpayment. Then, in succession, they cut off my gas, electricity, and water.
At first, I used up my provisions in an irrational way, but I realized in time what I was doing. I placed receptacles on the balcony to catch the rain water. I ripped out my flowering plants and in their flowerpots I planted tomatoes, lentils, and other vegetables, which I tend with loving and painstaking care. But I also need animal protein, so I learned to breed insects, spiders, and rodents and to make them reproduce in captivity; sometimes I trap an occasional sparrow or pigeon.
On sunny days I manage to light a fire with a magnifying glass and paper. As fuel, I'm slowly burning the books, the furniture, the floorboards. I discovered that there are always more things in a house than are necessary.
I live quite comfortably, although I lack some things. For example, I don't know what's going on anywhere else; I don't read newspapers, and I can't get the television or radio working.
From the balcony I observe the outside world and I notice some changes. At a certain point the trolleys stopped running. I don't know how long ago that happened. I've lost all notion of time, but the mirror, my baldness, my long white beard, and the pain in my joints tell me that I'm very old.
For entertainment I let my thoughts wander. I have no fear or ambitions.
In a word, I'm relatively happy.
Comments
Very very funny! Thank you, it was superb!
Very very funny! Thank you, it was superb!
Incredibly hilarious... My ribs recieved horrible aches..
Incredibly hilarious... My ribs recieved horrible aches from laughing so hard!!
Really good satire, very funny jab at so many occupations.
Really good satire, very funny jab at so many occupations.
Just one word: SUPERB!
Just one word: SUPERB!
(Oh wise and upright writer! Mark, world, and Orwell has..
(Oh wise and upright writer! Mark, world, and Orwell has come to writing!) playing on Gratianos speech to Shyolck in the Merchant of venice. But seriously, this is a great satire. Very well-writen.
This is an excellent example of pushing a situation right..
This is an excellent example of pushing a situation right through to its logical conclusion. The man has no way out of his flat, and therefore must remain within it for the rest of his life. Sorrentino achieves feasability by exploring and excluding all forms of escape, be it a phone call to a friend, or a lock-smith, or shouting out the window for help. Once the lack of escape has been established, what is there left for the protagonist to do? Sorrentino is not afraid to make this man lead an imprisoned existence, instead of ending the story with some hackneyed cop-out or realistic resolution. Surreal and entertaining.
I didnt understand it? Couldnt he jump out a window?
I didnt understand it? Couldnt he jump out a window?
Very cool. Origional and funny.
Very cool. Origional and funny.
I think its brilliant and very funny story.
I think its brilliant and very funny story.
I believe he could jump out the window but didnt .
I believe he could jump out the window but didnt .
found this to be very funny, it has originality to it and a..
found this to be very funny, it has originality to it and a unsuspecting ending.
i would have tried to break the door down but otherwise a..
i would have tried to break the door down but otherwise a very interesting and entertaining story. Never laughed so much in my life.
Always an incredible read by Sorrentino. Of course there..
Always an incredible read by Sorrentino. Of course there are plenty of logical actions that could have been made by the protagonist, but, then again, the story would have sucked. -Carina
absolutely rib-tickling. an awesome work from an awesome..
absolutely rib-tickling. an awesome work from an awesome author!
i need help finding a thesis statement for this writer..
i need help finding a thesis statement for this writer (Fernando Sorrention)...Im using the following short stories: theres a man in the habit of hitting me on the head with an umbrella, a lifestyle, wating for a resolution,and the return... I would appreciate some help...Thanxs
I didnt laugh, it was kind of a funny idea, but somehow it..
I didnt laugh, it was kind of a funny idea, but somehow it just wasnt real to me.
I liked the story very much though sooner or later he would..
I liked the story very much though sooner or later he would have gotten kicked out of his flat for not paying the rent so he would have gotten out sooner or later.
A good story, both ridiculous and strangley proabable.
A good story, both ridiculous and strangley proabable.
As was already said, eventually they would have kicked him..
As was already said, eventually they would have kicked him out for not paying rent.Otherwise i could see how there would be NO WAY OUT. Fortunetly, I am excellent at picking locks, and could escape such a fate.
I thought it was extremely funny, and a superb ending!
I thought it was extremely funny, and a superb ending!
Its sad to know that no matter what the narrator did, he..
Its sad to know that no matter what the narrator did, he could not get out. However, he gradually made use of what he had, thus resulting the happy ending.
Great story. I kept waiting to learn of his release. When I..
Great story. I kept waiting to learn of his release. When I realized he wasnt to be, I cracked up. Well written, in my opinion. Kenk
Did I miss something? In the begining he says he went on to..
Did I miss something? In the begining he says he went on to be a cattleman and a farmer...so he must have gotten out of the apartment somehow...I am confused but i enjoyed the story
Wonderful. I now got a shining smile and am almost dropping..
Wonderful. I now got a shining smile and am almost dropping tears of laugh... Sorrentinos best story Ive read until now...
i just randomly found this site, and have read a few pretty..
i just randomly found this site, and have read a few pretty cool stories. but i wasnt pleasantly humored and entertained by this story. i would be interested in reading more from this author. [email protected]
I read the comments before reading this story hoping that I..
I read the comments before reading this story hoping that I would somehow find entertainment here but I have to say, I didnt find any humor in this article. I dont know how some people found it halirious, I guess its just their shallow humor. This story shouldnt even be under the "humor" section.
wonderful
wonderful
Im not sure about the humour in this story - it seems to me..
Im not sure about the humour in this story - it seems to me that its a commentary on the loneliness of a large city
"Posted 2004-03-28 20:30:52 Did I miss something? In the..
"Posted 2004-03-28 20:30:52 Did I miss something? In the begining he says he went on to be a cattleman and a farmer...so he must have gotten out of the apartment somehow...I am confused but i enjoyed the story" cattleman was when he bred insects to eat, and afrmer was the plants he grew to eat. ingenious story! Sorrentino writes the WEIRDEST stories!
Well, I would just unscrew the hinges of the door with the..
Well, I would just unscrew the hinges of the door with the screwdriver...but great story anyways.
hey calling the police would solve everything! good story..
hey calling the police would solve everything! good story anyways
hey! good story... I wanna try to write one.
hey! good story... I wanna try to write one.
I really enjoyed this. Funny conclusion and chain of events!
I really enjoyed this. Funny conclusion and chain of events!
It is absolutly a a great story... But i just had hard time..
It is absolutly a a great story... But i just had hard time to understand the thesis. But its very funny and same time acrimonous.
VERY Funny. My second favorite Ive Read. (Hard to beat..
VERY Funny. My second favorite Ive Read. (Hard to beat "Umbrella") Maybe could have cosolidated (spelling?) it by a page. Still very entertaining.
This was really, really funny, but I had a couple of..
This was really, really funny, but I had a couple of problems with the plot: 1. If the rent isnt being paid, and hes not turning up for work , someone would have arrived to rescue him pretty sharpish (especially as the janitor was already aware of his predicament). 2. By the time these foodstuffs grew (months later) he would have died of starvation. But maybe Im missing something?? Romy.
It seems to me that commentary is overrated and..
It seems to me that commentary is overrated and self-absorbed. Art is art and stories are stories. Take them as they come. Beyond this threshhold lies corruption of milleu. By the waay ... where can I find such an apartment?
its a greate story which gave an excellent example for a..
its a greate story which gave an excellent example for a situation that might happen to anyone in real life.
You have to remember, the point isnt whether or not he..
You have to remember, the point isnt whether or not he realistically could have left his apartment; its the logical steps he takes, the humorous and satirical steps he takes to rectify his situation, and the ways in which modern society inhibits him. The end, in which he isnt aware of anything, and how it makes him happy, is the perfect way to wrap it all up. It goes over the problems and beauracracies of society today.
this sentence: I was twenty-four years old at the time and..
this sentence: I was twenty-four years old at the time and had no close relatives. I was living in this same little apartment on Santa Fe Avenue, between Canning and Araoz. ...What does same mean? That aside it was just a run down of facts taken by an idiot. No character, no suspense. Who cared if he got out or not? No me, not anybody.
How can this be rated 5 stars? Does this mean 3 stars is..
How can this be rated 5 stars? Does this mean 3 stars is just a mess of potato prints and dog muck?
Do poeple really admire this? I will burn my pen and take..
Do poeple really admire this? I will burn my pen and take up plumbing
It is not my wish to offend the Author, but this story..
It is not my wish to offend the Author, but this story offends me. The piece is of a low intellectual standard with little attention to detail, I wouldnt be overly surprised if it had been written by a child. If it was written by a child: "well done, now keep practicing and one day you might be a good writer!"
I liked the little twist at the end...for sure I would have..
I liked the little twist at the end...for sure I would have thought he would have gotten out somehow. Maybe the hinges on his door were inside the frame, making it near impossible to unscrew them? He was 10 stories up, so jumping out the windoow (for anything but death) would have been out of the question. Still, he could have gotten creative and broke down the door, or made some sort of bedsheet rope to escape. I also think that he might have actually been in an asylum...I mean, he was there his whole life, no one would let him out and it would make sense-cause he would have been kicked out of his apartment if he hadnt paid...I duno.
brilliantly simple and yet side-splitting idea. I really..
brilliantly simple and yet side-splitting idea. I really enjoyed it. ~Y.
To me this story was very surreal, but that was what i..
To me this story was very surreal, but that was what i liked and it kept me reading. The satire with the locksmiths was a highpoint for me, it reminded me of an episode of Seinfeld. The elimination of all escape for the main character kept the plot moving well up to the climax, of when he cant escape. The basic escape ideas kept it realistic from calling friends, work, locksmiths, and even resorting to throwing notes out the window only having them ending up in the trash. Very enjoyable and funny.
One point: its not about escape...its not about what could..
One point: its not about escape...its not about what could have been done. its about appreciation of a great writer and his ability to enliven a boring day in the computer lab at college. Needless to say, loved it thoroughly. Nadia.
I didnt even notice the humor of the "cattleman and..
I didnt even notice the humor of the "cattleman and
farmer" part until I read the comment from somebody
who didnt catch on to it. I think that is probably the
funniest part of the whole story. "I have no fears or
ambitions. In a word, Im relatively happy." Bravo.
Good story, though the writer could have put more thought..
Good story, though the writer could have put more thought into it. Its true that art is art and we shouldnt overanalyze it, but when there are holes as gaping as these, it disappoints the readers, and though you might say he doesnt want that kind of reader anyway, the fact is that his story would have been more successful if he had filled in the holes.
Also, at the turning point when he stops trying to get out, all of a sudden the writer stops showing and starts telling. He had a detailed beginning, but a summarized ending, which could have been more drawn out and entertaining.
Loved the story, as I love all the stories Ive read so far..
Loved the story, as I love all the stories Ive read so far by this author. In fact, I think I enjoyed this one most of all, so far...
Interesting point made by the post above. I think...yeah, maybe some mention of why the protagonist didnt unscrew the door or knock it down would have been worth inserting - but it doesnt really matter, because the story is so clearly something hyper-real and not bound by the usual rules that govern earthly existence. I mean, from the moment the locksmith starts quoting from the Holy Code of Locksmiths (or whatever their codex is called...) the reader is given a pretty strong hint that reality has been shifted a little. Well, its magical realism, isnt it? And very well done, too...
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